Sunday, May 29, 2016

Rage Better Left Said

The way so many of us were raised, I see it in our tight smiles and our sad eyes
stuffing down the real emotions, the real feelings
because if we expressed them we would be punished
anger-sadness-distress-frustration
all now tainted with fear of being reprimanded
little people not taught how to deal with big emotions
punished for not always being agreeable.

How can an emotion be inherently evil? 
When the little children came to Jesus, I wonder if he insisted they could only have happy hearts? 
How can we as families/communities/friends truly be close when we are not honest? 

I fumble, like a child,
trying to find the words for a rage
stuffed down for years,
terrified it will destroy me
terrified expressing it will result in only loss
but
it needs to rise out of me
inside me it has destroyed me
and it comes out sideways
in unpredictable ways
so I lose anyway.

I want to get inside it now
Feel it around me
Understand it
Follow it through
to its roots
and honor it for being the correct
the sacred
response
to injustice.

I want to inhabit it
as a feminine being
and claim the power
and agency that was denied me
by having my natural responses
pummeled into submission.

Rage is better left said
And the work of my adulthood
is finding the healthy, healing ways
to do so
dancing with the flames
instead of being consumed by them.


Monday, May 2, 2016

When Religion Is An Unfair Game

"be quiet
be gentle
submit and forgive
give us your heart
and we'll give you the keys."

these the words
you nailed again and again
into my tender skin

I thought we all bore
these same words on our hearts
but your game was played by different rules
as you riddled me with darts

"be quiet
while i scream
be gentle
while i tear at you
give me your heart
while i keep the doors locked."

these the deeds
you kept me trapped in
while you bloodied my tender skin

So I take ink and needle
and rework the words
turn quiet into confidence
turn submit into indomitable strength
turn forgive into never again
I reclaim the edges of my heart
with fierce lines.
I honor the limits and expanses of myself.
I fling open the doors.
I walk out.